———————————————————————————————

Im really not enjoying this.
I feel numb most days now, angry at others, and small fleeting little bits of what I once was sting at my heart, trying to hollow me out and make me feel like I used to (to want to die).
I put on the bravest face I own, and try to keep myself busy and plan my life out, a job, a place, my kitten and me, all the things I need everything. Im hoping to try and better myself, (loose weight, turn hot LOL), I go to all my appointments on time, and try my hardest with what I have to do. But I break down more often now.
Sometimes now, I dont see the point, not just a lacking in motivation but the reason why; why am I doing all this, when half the time I dont even care, I see no fucking point..without you. Im not being over dramatic here, I just dont see it.
Ive gone out nearly every day for the last 20 days, from early wake ups, even though Id only catch small hours of sleep, to walking every place I got to go to clear my mind, to sit with pained stomach in a room doing things I need to, to help achieve my goals, to walking around wondering about you, then going out with friends, drinking when I really shouldnt, doing what I can to stop what Im thinking and feeling; and changing my thoughts to things that really dont even matter.
You left me feeling empty, but more so, you left me like carrion, tothe crows. Every other lips to brush mine, make me feel sick, I hate it, I feel pressured and taken advantage of, I want to be left alone; Im not prey. And whats more, I feel nohing, just this sickness and anger boiling my blood- they havent got the electricity like you did.
Im not bitter, though I think of you often (as I always have), I really genuinely do want you to be happy, I want you to get everything you deserve, and if you need anything from me, take it (forver yours), I feel pathetic that Id take you back in a heartbeat, but at least Im honest. You were my heaven.
Things are really different now, the days go past, and I feel un-real, I wake up from dreams of you, and those are beautiful and I try my hardest to cling to..but everything else in reality isnt so bad anymore.
Everyone who truly cared about me flooded back in my life, and picked up the peices of me, I made new friends and Im so social now, I like it, but at times it gets tiring, and at times when I slow down, I think about you and wish you were there. I speed up again, and spin around. I saw the stars for the first time in so long, and it felt amazing, but I felt lonely.
At home isnt bad at all, I dont know why. Maybe its because I havent been here too often, but the only times Im spoken to, is when I give my contribution to the rent. Im hopeful of getting the job I applied for, and hoping Hannah would like to find a place with me, and then Id be literally free. But things here arent bad.
I have alot on my mind though, hopes, dreams, goals, and every now and then some troubles Im saving up inside in hopes they explode and disapate and leave me be. I wish I could talk to you, you know me like no other, and I miss that.
I cant though, you push me away now, like I did something wrong, though I stood trial for my sins, suffered and tried and struggled to get were I am now- all just to keep you near. I wish badly to just idk..cuddle up next to you, feel you breathe, nothing more than that- in all honesty and innocence, I want nothing more, even if it means no speaking, nothing else.. I miss that, Id do anything for that.
I dont know why Im venting now, I just cant keep up.

———————————————————————————————

the reason why is,
you amaze me, entirely, every time..always new ways, always making me feel the same spark and making it feel brandnew after every time I fall.
You keep me sane, you keep me focused and motivated.
You make me feel loved, noticed, warm, safe, beautiful..god you make me feel.
the way you look, the way you stare, your beautiful face.
your hearts beat fitting with mine, making me feel alive.
The way you breathe, the way your skin makes mine electric..your burning touch, your lips, your eyes.
I miss you , I think about you more often then I should I dream youre near and wake to dissapoint myself not finding you in my sheets, you make me smile, laugh and feel happy -youre the first and only to keep it there. you listen to me, you fix me, you make things feel better, you help me deal. you make it so Im not utterly depressed.
I need you, so bad, I want you more than anything Ive ever wanted in my life. You changed me in the best way possible, you healed my heart and saved my life.
why cant you come back and stay
Ill take care of you and hold you so close.
:’( grrr.. I love you.
———————————————————————————————

So, as Im writing this, its safe to say Im fairly and some what intoxicated. But in saying that “drunk words are sober thoughts”
its been 23 days since you left, and 22 since I last saw you. I miss you quiet terribly, and I remember and repeat the last things you said to me, how you didnt want a relationship, how you think MY life i stressful (though you arent personally living it) and how you still love me and care about me. Tonight my more concerned friends thought to ask you if I could stay with you are they were scared Id go off and be hurt. But in that, I ended up being hurt by you saying no. shows how much you care then yeah?
anyways..I didnt start to write this to say that.
I think its best to leave you alone, if I bother you.
I think about you alot *incoming update beeps*, and I really do miss you, I sometimes wish I could talk to you, or turn to you, or go see you, or have you kiss me all better..but I know you cant, you push me away and it hurts.
I wanna ask you sometimes, why you said I was the best girl in your life, the one who does so much for you, goes without, suffers, struggles, tries, spends so much on, bleeds, cries and love you more than anyone, yet you pushed me away?
But I wont Im going to dedicate my life and my time fixing myself and others first.
Ive been dealing with my hearts pains, and others burdons like they were my own, and it makes my heart feel better- if I can fix my friends “all I want is a place to call my own, to mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone” ♥
All my lovely friends who cared about me rushed back into my life and picked up the peices of me..I still feel alone without you though- but its nice, its sad their lives and hearts hurt though..maybe Im here to fix this, and I will.
Boys keep trying to have sex with me or kiss me or make me theirs- I actually hate you for that, Im sick of feleing pressured and taken advantage of, theyre like crows to carrion- sometimes I want to tell them to fuck off and leave me be, but I get nice, coz sometimes the attention and affection makes me feel less worthless, but mostly..I dont want to hurt them or crush them like you do. (I keep hearing about how shit you are btw, esp by your “friends” but esp from people who are so sure youre heartless..I dont believe them..I know you best ♥ despite what anyone says)
Im going to all my appoinments like a good girl, theyre hopefully trying to get me this job, and then Ill move out, and my counsillor says Im doing well and that shes glad with my progress, did you know that? that Im getting happier, my stint was you leaving me.
I will get an amazing job, and move out, and get a home of m own..you promised youd visit, thats my whole fucking motivation atm, seeing you. I want to fix my life, part of me thinks youll come back, the other half is just a numb, hollow angie who thinks maybe trying to be happy will fix me.
I just hope things turn out with my plans, even if you dont come back- but Ill be here, I will always always always try my hardest to make you happy, give you whatever you want and need, and maybe even make you feel loved- and if my life is fixed it’d be easier to do so.
goodnight and sweetdreams lover ♥

———————————————————————————————

Ive accepted that youre not coming back, and that I’ll still miss you from time to time, I’ll feel a little lonely, but my god; Im so glad to know you! youre the best thing thats ever happened to me ♥

Though I woke up feeling lonely, Im a short walk from where you are and I have been for most of this month, I miss you incredibly. I thought about mornings with you and I miss it. Im hopeful about this job, and tbh; Im hping it fixes everything with me..then maybe things will get better and Ill be happy.

but content in lonliness, I kind of like it; without you though, I dont want anyone else.

Its been a whole month since Ive seen you;
I wonder if you even think of me, from time to time..but I guess you shouldnt have to.
I miss you. You know that, though. I wake up early and remember mornings shared with you, and I wish I could wake up beside you.
I wonder if you miss certain things that came along with me. I wonder if youd want to see me again, or if you think Id be difficult. For some reason I think youre mad with me. Im sorry.

I would be difficult though. Id want to know many things, things Im scared to write down. But I will ask them when Im ready

———————————————————————————————

I dont feel whole.
I dont feel anything.
I cant feel what Im supposed when Im supposed to, small but really good things are adding up and happening for me, I should be happy; but I feel as if Im numb to it, as if Im just an obsever sitting watching my life through a window.
And its the same with sad things, Im finding my self in fits of tears, only to stop as if nothing stirred me; and it passes quickly, its only in rare moments Ive taken time to think about these things properly and sit and cry like I should..but when I do, it hurts more than anything, especially with alcohol in my system.
I feel angry quiet well though, I hate it, and I enjoy it. I bawl up my pale knuckled fists and throw them in directions, and have flushed cheeks and truly feel my blood boil. But when hysteria takes over; I feel madness. I wish I could feel properly.
Im nothing like old me at all. Theres no more dramatics and feeling like I want to die (except for brief pauses in respite I feel these thoughts stir), I have speeches prepared in my mind Ive found, that speak positively to me, and make me feel euphoria, and give me clarity and take the bad shit away.
But I still feel so empty.
And when the sadness comes in its bouts; Ive quickened the time to hush them, but then I feel almost sick as if I want the sadness back, as if Im content in sitting in misery.. but I cant, I start feeling better faster. Im such a worry.
I want to feel again, but everythings turned into me standing behind a plexiglass, nose pressed to the world beyond it, where peoples smiles hide their lives- but their words make it through and I get confussed. I just dont feel proper.
And the one feeling I am certain of, is the “missing”, I feel missing, I feel hollow, numb and un-whole. And I fucking miss you. It hurts, I feel the hurt..I hate this.
I hate this so much.

———————————————————————————————

have what you want.
talk to me when it suits you or you want something.
leave me to feel rotten and miserable.
and every day Ill pray for the same thing- you to be happy.
I hate this, but Ill smile the same.
Ill think “why?” and wonder if I deserve this, your awfulness.
And Ill cry from time to time.
but for now, no more me.
get what you want.

———————————————————————————————

thankyou for telling me I’m brave.
But maybe its just stupidity calling when my eyes open in the morning, to put myself through the waking thoughts about him. I swallow my pride and check my phone, so many lovely words from everyone, I sit and reply, and then delete a majority of whats been said, to re-read over what he said, and play scenarios in my head.
I go to shower, and take time to be ‘human’; I forget there..what it means to breathe and blink and stand until water runs cold and my skin wrinkles so. I always think at that point- “what is the point”.
I get ready, always the same.. somedays I cant be bothered because there is no prospect in seeing him, but mostly I paint on my face, hide behind my hair and go to see my beautiful friends, with hearts as heavy as mine, to lift them up. Or I walk however long it takes, to clear my head in the breeze to catch a bus from town, this is where I need the headspace and talking myself up to get through it, where I attend appointments in the shortest distance from his home and sum up all my courage to walk away every time. Home is no longer a battlefeild, Im sure my family see’s Ive suffered enough and whats left of me is truly broken, and I guess I snapped and stood up for myself finally. Or maybe its the fact I just dont fucking come home much anymore, and they know Im loosing grip.
I cut out all the shit, because without you I cant possibly face it, so I told them to fuck off, no longer to I have “friends”, but real ones I’d die for.
Money doesnt seem to be an issue for me, though Im looking for work; I always found free ways to have fun, and without having you to spoil, a majority of it goes towards things I needed at the time.
Things are filtering into place, I should feel happy, but I cant grasp that. I dnt understand how my worlds allowed to turn and move without you in it, for this Im angry.
I feel like you dumped me all over again the other night; for finally sticking up for myself, something I always was coward to do for the sake of your hapiness, but I had to.
Im sure Im heartless, the kind of heart filled with that certain type of love, theres like something there in the void, its slightly like love and content for everyone else, and then a seering pain I cant stop.
And everynight I find myself with some pretty boy, me spinning under the blanket sky of stars, tears in my eyes, smile on my face and my blood boiled by alcohol. Never will they keep me, nor taste me.
You made it this way. I should be happy, I try. Im more resilient than what I was, I have this need to achieve my goals..but you..youre the reason.

ugh </3

———————————————————————————————

• Library- use microsoft word to make my resume look professional;
  print out a few copies; take attachments and get photo copied at  the news agency.
• Plastic display folders (without rings) from chickenfeed or similar to display.
• Attend Campbell Page Wednesday: discuss work, and finding work:
  ask for courses upcoming for RSA/RSG.

current places I wish to apply for:

-Emmas workplace on the beach
-Momos bubble tea
-subway
-vodaphone

EDUCATION:

• Gain RSA/RSG: fill my resume with better things and gain expeirence.
• Look at what I’d like to study (:

• An appearance that would make me feel confident with myself, no more self loathing and binge diets, no crappy days where all I wanna do is stay inside and do nothing.
• A mentally stable mind, where I’m no longer in a pit of depression, growing case of insomnia and contemplations of suicide.
• A career where I earn money for the things I want, and need, and will never go broke or hungry or stranded ever again (leading to buying a home, luxury items etc)
• Really good stable relationships, from being with Joshua, to keeping good friends; and even making a bestfriend I want to keep forever <3
• A kitten.

How To Attain:

• Appearance:

- I want to weigh 50 kilos (as my female cousins are all my height, and weigh 50-55 kilos, they share similiar genetics and look good and are perfectly healthy..therefor..)

I must go on an extreme diet: (by extreme I mean: NO FOOD I LIKE D; !!)

no fizzy drinks, no lollies, no chips, no sugars or salts or oils.

Excersize for at least 40mins + a day! (including long walks)

breakfast in the morning is a MUST

and smaller meal portions through out the day- to shrink my actual stomach, so it makes me feel fuller, and I eat considerably healthy amounts.

This diet should help me clear up my skin, detox (for I have a liver disorder..dont know if I blogged that one on here or not), help me get in shape and hopefully it may help asthma too (make my lungs expand naturally without steroids..k)

I need to get rid of my smokers teeth.. so I’m currently whitening them with hollywood nights pearl drops, and colgate toothpaste designed specifically to whiten teeth.

And I need to maintain my hair, and keep the regrowth fucked off..but deep condition it often to keep it lovely.

• My Mind- attend CRS counsilling and the sessions for those with insomnia.. :/ get happier, stress elss, dont worry about things that wont even matter the next week, and stop thinking negatively, even if things are going shit.. think about the outcome if I stay strong.
• Campbell Page- get a job, anywhere.. save that money, only buy what I need, slowly get enough to buy what I want, save save save!! have enough to buy a home for myself one day <3 do more courses or consider doing polytechnic, get my rsa/rsg, learn to drive, aquire more skills!
• Be better to Joshua- He’s done alot for me. be patient, and considerate, and dont cry about things any more..Im strong enough. Make new friends, keep the GOOD ones, go out more, make plans etc..
• STEAL a kitten.

I dont want to wake up to screams, my own or others.
I dont want to wake up to the sound of my dad vomiting every morning.
I dont want to wake up to the fights and ‘I hate yous’.
I dont want to wake up to people slamming doors.
I dont want to wake up to a beating.
I dont want to wake up to blame and punishment.
I dont want to wake up in sweat and shake with fear, I dont want nightmares.
I dont want to escape one scary dream and dread reality.
I dont want to wake up with pains.
I dont want to wake up anymore.

I want to wake up to light seeping in through the curtains and crawling along the walls and my skin.
I want to wake up beside Joshua, pulling me closer to him.
I want to wake up to whispered “I love you’s” and linked fingers, wet kisses and deep breathing.
I want to wake up to surprise breakfasts in bed.
I want to wake up and lay listening to the wind and rain outside sing beautifully and hear it.
I want to wake up to happy good morning texts, missed goodnight messages, a full inbox, new comments and remembering me.
I want to wake up with a smile on my face, through sweet dreams and lovely thoughts.
I want to wake up happy and hopeful.
I want to wake up and feel good.
I want to wake up.

breakfast and getting ready.

I dont want to creep into the kitchen to be dissapointed and left with a rumbling stomach, just knowing I knew there was nothing anyway.
I dont want to avoid everyone in fear or cause a stir, and fear every conversation.
I dont want to be screamed and sworn at and told off while getting ready to go out.
I dont want that anxious feeling in my stomach.
I dont want to be physically sick.
I dont want to scrap the last of my coins together and feel guilty of using them to leave everyday.
I dont want to feel like I look like shit because you cant cover it up.
I dont want to be hurried out of the bathroom or distracted by annoyances or voilence.
I dont want to feel sick and hungry and fucked and alone..going to places I hate.
I dont want to be reminded how pathetic and good for nothing I am by ungrateful people.

I want to wake up to a healthy, delicious breakfast waiting for me everyday, and food I could even take out with me.
I want to wake up to goodmornings and have a nice day..even a hug and kiss and praise.
I want to spend time watching cartoons, catching up and confirming amazing plans for the day.
I want to feel confident that the day will run smoothly and everything would be amazing.
I want to feel loved and thought of.
I want to have money to go out, to eat, to even give freely without hassles and be thankful.
I want to shower with Josh everymorning, and have time to feel clean.
I want to hog the bathroom, do my hair right, put my make up on to not hide bags under my eyes and other tell tales and sing and dance infront of the mirror all I want.
I want to go out confident and have amazing plans for the day or a wonderful job to go to and be excited to go to.
I want to feel alive.

during the day/lunch time

I dont want to lay under the covers, because I felt like I couldnt face the day, weak and pathetic, hiding from the world stuck in horrible thoughts.
I dont want to be out, going to places I hate- because I have to, lining up, filling forms, talking about how fucked I am.
I dont want to feel alone, un-thought of and see photos/comments of friends out and think “do they remember me..do they hate me?” or pass them on the way to the places I hate.
I dont want to eat “cheap” fast food and junk coz thats all I’d have if I didnt.
I dont want to come to breaking point, where the thoughts envelope me; and I struggle not to cry, stupid stupid.
I dont want to lie about my day, about how I feel, to pass it off..to take judgement, to take crap, to have to struggle to fill the void.
I dont want to be threatened nor bashed or screamed at or judged or made to feel pathetic..and believe it.
I dont want to take a short cold shower and retire early, dreading life- or to have to call my boyfriend to rescue me all the time, without a thought from anyone to see if Im o-fucking-k.
I dont want to be depressed, miserable or alone, just waiting for a turn on the computer to sit and be repetative..knowing nothing happens.
I dont want to be sick, or in pain or feel like I dont deserve to be alive.
I dont want to feel dead when my heart still beats.

I want to seize the day, to have made and kept plans- to roam and adventure and feel included and ready and happy.
I want to go to beautiful places, to see everything, to go shopping for pretty things and things I need, to visit cafes, to visit friends, to be able to go out with my boyfriend.
I want to eat healthy, yummy foods and I dont want to eat alone!
I want to laugh and joke, and smile and feel happy and think positively- and have thought provoking and amazing conversations and make others feel that way too.
I want to be able to say “I had an amazing day actually!” and have an awesome story to tell when asked, or to be able to say “I had an amazing day, thankyou for being there with me” <3
I want to feel loved, by family and friends and feel accepted, included, praised and needed. I want my boyfriend to be maybe a little bit more romantic too.
I want to get ready to go out, feel fabulous, have fantastic plans for the night- or no plans and have a fantastic night anyways, I want to go amazing places, with bestfriends and boyfriend and smile like crazy.
I want to be social, I want texts, mms, calls, comments, photo comments, messages, likes, letters, notes, new requests, invites, loves etc..it doesnt take much to make someone feel happy
I want to work out and be healthy and happy and feel invincible!!
I want to have a great day, I want to be alive and thankful for what I have.

dinner and nighttime

I dont want to eat stale bread or scraps of food and occasional junk nor have to call my bf to bring me food.
I dont want to be stuck inside and doing nothing, waiting for a turn on the computer or forcing myself to try and sleep early.
I dont want to fall asleep crying every time, or stuck in a loop of shit thoughts, choking staring up at the ceiling trying not to make a sound, to just go unnoticed.
I dont want to have nightmares, nor a sick/pained feeling.
I dont want to be broke on days where I could of gone out, or be home because I was forgotten/not asked to do anything..or left alone.
I dont want to be abused, told how fucked I am, demanded money off, made to be stuck.
I dont want to go out, anxious, dreading, feel alone at times, kept in corner out of conversation, getting smashed when I dont wanna feel-when I want to forget, or cry..I really dont want to cry no more, or storm off with no one after me..or no one noticing I left.
I dont want to go to bed or fall asleep alone..sighing in the dark between cold sheets and tear soaked pillows.
I dont want to go to bed, empty stomach or full of food that makes me feel guilty and lay in thoughts and wishes of thing I feel unatainable.
I dont want to lay awake for hours and hours until I’ve lost myself and its day time..laying in depression.
I dont want to dread having to do it all over again.

I want to have a really amazing meal for dinner, and I always want to eat dinner with Joshua <3
I want to have plans to go out over night-time with friends and my boyfriend, to go see a movie, go bowling, mini golf, arcades and then pubs, clubs and other places of amazing!
I dont want to fall asleep on my own, I want Joshua to wrap his arms around me, love me entirely and make sure I feel safe and happy.
I want to have sweetdreams and a goodnight, and have it wished to me.
I want my family to make sure Im alright, ask if I need any money or anything and wish me a good time and be happy for me.
I want to have spending money and feel good about spending it, on whatever I like- a hot outfit for the night, cabs, new makeup or jewellery, food and drinks, and small gifts!
I want to go out on days like Friday, Wednesday and the weekend, and be happy, laugh and talk and just feel good.
I want happy thoughts before I sleep, and to recap the amazing night had or to smooch Joshua.
I want to be happy.
I want to sleep and have knowledge I can do it all over again.
<3

I WANT A KITTEN.

so: here is my memorybox

yay..all shiny and awesome right? its just covered in cute magazine images and stuff..and a guys man titty picture for some reason :/

contents:

I think I’ll start with the new contributions.. Josh’s awesome gifts!!

So these are brouchers from all the awesome places Joshwah has taken me this year:

• the score card from putters mini golf, where Josh showed me how to play: I got a hole in one in a round! *glee*
• taronga zoo: where we fed white lions and I showed Josh how to hold bunny rabbits.
• cadburys tour- where we ate so much fucking chocolate *fat-week*
• botanical gardens map best day ever, my boyfriends the sweetest
• richmond maze (we didnt get this until AFTER we did the maze..ehh..I ot lost from Josh at some point, but it was still fun)

<—awesome amazing weird thingys Josh and I made at Cadburys and one from the natural history museum in town..he makes this shithole seem so much fun tbh.

Joshes treasure hunt

x-mas game clues he set up for me->

<—also the cute sparkly thingy he put on my gifts ;D

The $2 winning scratchy (Josh and I both have one that one $2)->

ROFL- HE SPELT IT “ELES” also..Joshes sweet thoughts <3

———————————————————————————

Cards/Letters in my memory box:

<–2006 NRL score car from when I followed West Tigers religiously :/ and a cute little westtigers teddy.

<–

• Trash $5entry (from back in the days when I used to go clubbing)
• titan tattoo’s card: place I got my first ink done.
• vision studios card: I worked there as a make up artist a few times.
• toxic shock card: where I used to work as a check out chick..best place ever.

<–

1. happy birthday card from my baby girl Oli <3
2. happy 5th /19th birthday bitch card from Joshua (came with pin..must be coz I got him an awesome barbie princess card for his 18th)
3. hello kitty birthday card from Rocky and Sophie <3
4. & 5. cards my late grandmother had actually made for me, which is so cute..cept she didnt write in them, coz..she couldnt write.

<–going away cards: from tassie and sydney :/ I moved too much..the one on the bottoms from when I moved on xmas.

<–birthday note from Carly, and xmas card from carly, with “sc2rams” keychain (she made them all) sc2rams was the name of our friendship group in highschool.

<-

1. daffofil day cards (they came with how many number flowers written on them) from Frances, Som and Chanel..and
2. daffodil my crush at the time had given me..haha, its so pretty all dried up.
3. small cute little “thankyou” card for attending my baby cousins baptism, it was actually a fun day.
4. valentines card from my friend Chanel (Nel)

<–ROFL: “hug-o-war”. where the other girls and I in my friendship group had to hug as many guys in our grade before lunch time and get them to sign as PROOF jajajaja (just for fun.. +extra points for hugging the gross guys- win? I was friends with the gross guys ;D )

1. Letter from Lisa, says “Youre mad”
2. letter/drawings from Robbie <3
3. letter from Kirk
4. Sorry note from my dad :/ very old.

———————————————————————————–

Doodles in my memory box ROFL-

*click to see larger*

1. eye ball doodles by Emma
2. little cute dude doodle by Som
3. PIDDLE BOY by Luke (its an inside Joke)
4. penguin “bookmark” thingy by Daniel and I
5. drawing of person in mirror by Jemma
6. apparently a doodle of Adam humping me.
7. drawings of Kat and I, by Kat and I..with some titties and shit.
8. doodle I drew of Som and what her “diary” of her crush would look like *imagination*
9. weird doodle my boyfriend drew for me <3 haha
10. beany and I by Beany in crayon (I added the sexy tits to my body, and the poo babies and such)
11. crayon portrait of me by Beany.

———————————————————————————-

Photos in the memory box:

Joshua and I’s purikura 

& drawing I did of us–>

Purikura with friends

(over the years)->

photos of my special little

man–>

MERLIN <3 <3 <3

<—Mason (little brother)

& Som (coz shes gorgeous)

Photo I took of Emma —->

Justins OLD OMFG OLD licence (and a photos off fb to compare it to:  ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL isnt he so cute?!!?!? curly hair!!!

above ^

1. photo of me from the Tassie newspaper..I scribbled out my face on paint for the shame ;D (ps Nick is on the back of it LOL)
2. a photo of my mother in a Lebanese newspaper- she was chosen to represent Miss Lebanon; but apparently turned it down to do charity :/ weird as shit.
3. a cutout of tadpoles who always stayed the same instead of growing into frogs..idk why i kept it..fascinating.

———————————————————————————–

My Little Sister’s Contributions to my memory box:

letters and photos- By Simone ^^^

Simones “little bag”-

• 5cents so I wont go broke
• a marble incase I’ve lost mine
• an eraser to erase my mistakes
• a rubber band to hold me together
• a bandaid for a broken heart
• little hearts when I need them most. (a little lovin’)

^ this isnt in my memory box (as it doesnt fit,) but deserves to be here: its Simones Artbook full of sketches of me, and lyrics that she says reminds her of me..it was the best present EVER!!! I love you <3 (I thought I’d put up some of my favourites from inside it)

———————————————————————————-

Tickets and Trinkets inside the memory box:

1. inception movie ticket: went with Joshua.
2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: went for Joshua’s 19th with Amellia, Josh (obvs), Eddie and Davo.
3. Scott Pilgrim <3 best ever!! went with Joshua <3
4. Kick Ass movie ticket- also went with Joshwahh
5. Toy Story 3D: went with Nick and Josh
6. My first ever 3D movie ticket: was to see beowolf and it was with Som
7. really old- 2005 ticket to see longest yard..I kept it coz I found it in my old wallet, way old. I think I sat in spilt coke that night :/

————–>

1. flight ticket to Sydney: when I went to hardcore 09
2. parking ticket to Salamanca: on my birthday

3.&4 train tickets from ctown to the city..and minto to the city *mmhmm, back in daaa dayzzz son

5. also ticket to hardcore 09 flight..on way back I think

6. bus ticket from marubra to the city to see hardcore 09

<—

1. poster thingy from when I saw sum 41
2. sessions 07 ticket: my friends played, and the guys my friends and I liked won
3. my wrist band from my idol auditions, they said I did good, jsut needed to work on confidence :/
4. my mosh card that I buy mostly all my tickets with
5. wrist band from ingleburn RSL club, the day I hung with Daniel, Rachel and Luke.

——>

1&2. receipt from woolies and bandaid, from night out with Amellia and Joshua, Josh plastered up my boo boos

3. recipt from the day I discovered toxic shock, and started working there ^_^ <3 I asked and Danny said yes!

4. $72.45 Pizza Hut receipt, made out to Marie Mayhem, on the last day I was in Sydney <3 imyy..

<—

1. caution tape from sessions 07.
2. degas “pink dancer” postcard I love for some reason.
3. the day I discovered my fave lollipop flavour wrapper.
4. my lip piercing cleaning instructions
5. Mary image from ym grandmother after service she had.
6. where the wild things are tag..its too freaking cute to chuck out.
7. unicorn bookmark from my dad- 50million years old I swear.

——>

1. Luke and I’s fortunes from our fortune cookies.
2. CAMELS BALLS chweing gum wrapper..wtf? from Jemma and I’s fun times.
3. Little bear my friend Vanessa from primary stitched for me.
4. a puzzle peice with a heart drawn on it from Delina.
5. a weird thingy from Oli you put under your bed and you tell it your worries.
6. a hello kitty magnet, made from a sticker from Luke :/
7. a “wish stone” from my old baby sitter who taught me to believe in fairys
8. a little angel charm also from said baby sitter..she pwned epically.
9. my friend Ashlea’s old badge the day she got fired from woolies ;D we trashed shit up bro.
10. fake money from Lisa, who kept saying “ITS GONNA HAPPEN” and shoved it down my top..I found it hours later in my bra.
11. a cupcake wrist band from Maddie <3 coz she knew how much I loved them.

———————————————————————————–

GLITTER IN MY BOX, YOU SAY!?!?!

have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter into the wind? Arianne and I have.

little red box full of cute glittery fally out bits that Simone gave me.

tiny jar I stole and filled with glitter.

glitter everywhere from Emily <3

penguin Casey stole and gave to me.

penguin that broke off my hair clip and needed a mate.

“jewels” from the old crown

—————————————————————————>

so now you’ve seen mah crib..fuck awf ya’ll <3

(ps, make more memories with me?)

I called him, screaming, crying, snottying up the carpet underneath me, inhaling dust and spluttering. I was desperately calling his friends and mine to try and arrange a lift..everyone being not sober.

He left me, broke up with me. But..I knew it wasnt like that..it couldnt be..so..I pulled my shoes on, pulled a jacket over my pj’s and ran.

I ran down a long road, in the rain..unthinking to go the faster way, it blanked me. I only had a short time to catch the last bus..the midnight bus to go and see him. I prayed to God, I felt a change in my painfilled chest; determination.

I didnt feel scared, and all the streets looked brighter, the sky had a redish glow, and the rain fell so hard and so cooly.. making me feel like I could breathe (you’d understand if you knew me, the unfitness..and the asthma). I was thirsty..I had cotton mouth from inhaling so hard and clutching my chest; trying not to scream out my hearts ache.

My mindlessness had me running sockless in bad shoes, for 40minutes, I cut the back of both my ankles open; my shoes got so badly wrecked..the blood poured out; I ran through streets, past people..I probably looked like a fucked up junky. I fell over so many times, slipping, and only to get back up again..I bruied my knee too. I was so relieved when I made it to the bus shelter in town with minutes sparing, I started smiling and crying and people looked at me like I was drug fucked, I looked so immensely gross.

The bus driver was my first sign..my first hopeful sign. He gave me a sincere smile, a sweet one. After nearly everyone else got off..I was the last on; he said “lucky last” and then a Nirvana song played..grateful after putting up with some Lionel Richie bullshit..on the radio. We both sung along, and as I got off, I said “God Bless you” and he told me to stay safe..I wish all bus drivers were as cheerie as he; especially becaus ehe was working graveyard!

I walked up the streets leading to Joshes, through back alleys, in the fog. Josh was texted and aware I was on my way. I basically fell down, almost defeated; seeing him made my heart race, I didnt know what to do.. He held me, and I clutched on. He held me tighter. And he said.. “I love you”. Thats how it got better. He cleaned my wounds, we apologised and love raptured again.

Hes my heaven. I told him so, and he smiled. I’m glad he loves me, I’m glad I went through that..I needed to prove myself, and to show him. I cant be without him; its crushingly painful..but for the first time, I didnt give up.

I know this is real.